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Personal Injury Lawyer Will Personally Injure You

SHEEPSHEAD BAY, Brooklyn –

A commercial for Schwartz, Schwartz & Delano LLC currently making the rounds on local television claims personal injury litigator Sol Delano will personally injure you, pin the blame on someone else, and then provide legal representation against this person to get you the compensation you deserve.

“Have you been injured in an accident?” Delano asks into the camera, “If not, let’s make something happen. In 30 years of experience I have won clients more than 100 million dollars for damages I framed on innocent people.”

Delano goes on to list a diverse portfolio of mishaps he has been responsible for, including motor-cycle accidents, faulty ladders, and selling scalding-hot cups of coffee with broken lids from the back of his van.

The south-Brooklyn native, who is rarely seen without his black-suede sports’ coat and sunglasses, recently won widow Iris Eggbert over two million dollars after pushing the 85-year-old grandmother down a stalled escalator and blaming it on Eggbert’s son-in-law. Other recipients include retirees Jerome and Mabel Selig, whose Marine Park home Delano set fire too earlier this year with a cigarette that belonged to a neighbor.

According to court documents Delano is currently representing Willie Studebaker, a 33-year-old construction worker from Queens who Delano fired multiple shots into last week with an air-compressed nail-gun. The attorney is suing manufacturer DeWalt Enterprises, citing a vague and ambiguous user-manual.

“I will frame someone and make them pay for YOU, ” the partner exclaims as animated titles for the law-firm fly across the screen.

“With Schwartz Schwartz & Delano, there is always an accident just waiting to happen.”

5/2012

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McRib Returns For One Night At Beacon Theater

McDonalds® has announced it will bring back the signature, sporadic McRib for a one-night-only, star-studded theatrical extravaganza at Manhattan’s Beacon Theater next Saturday.

The show, “Mac On Broadway,” is a tribute to the McRib’s longstanding love affair with stand-up comedy and music. The  sandwich, a learned raconteur, is also known for profound moments of deep pathos, spinning stories of his youth into “hilarious, palpable theater,” says The Hollywood Reporter.

The McRib will sing selections from the Great American Songbook, interspersed with a riotous set of jokes and audience improvisation.

“The McRib knows how to work a room,” said McDonalds’ Director of Entertainment Jason Marvell. “He’ll pick on anybody – that’s why we love him.”

The fête will feature a cameo by the Shamrock Shake, who will dazzle the audience with magic tricks and a disappearing act. Also starring: Small Dollar-Menu Order of Fries and a Barbecue Sauce Packet.

2012

“Since When Is Duct-Taping Someone Between Two Mattresses And Throwing Them Off The Roof Considered Hazing” Says Frat President

EVANSTON, IL – The Northwestern University chapter of Greek fraternity Sigma Chi is deflecting allegations that senior members engaged prospective pledges in excessive hazing, including duct-taping freshman biology major Steven Cullard between two twin-sized Serta® mattresses and shoving him off the Charles Deering Library, sources confirmed.

The deposition filed by university administration claims Cullard broke 202 of his 206 bones in the controversial rite-of-passage, as the $75 dorm-issue mattress did little to cushion his eighty-foot plunge onto hard concrete.

“It’s a 100-year-old ritual,” explained Sigma Chi pro consul Cody Brewer, 21, “It’s not hazing — it’s like bungee jumping, except you just fall. Besides, since when is duct-taping someone between two mattresses and throwing them off the roof considered hazing?”

Cullard is undergoing rehabilitation treatment at Northwestern Memorial Hospital, and as of press time is still totally paralyzed. Chief surgeons maintain the college freshman’s chances of ever walking, talking, or even wiggling an index finger are slim unless he agrees to marionette-puppet therapy.

“My son’s life is ruined,” said Cullard’s mother Barbra, in tears beside her son. “You hear me? You ruined your life.”

Sigma Chi has faced reckless endangerment charges before. In 2007, three senior officers of the Northwestern chapter were indicted after hopeful pledge Nolan Hurley died as result of being forced to take a bubble-bath with a toaster during rush-week. Other unauthorized hazing ceremonies include an initiation that obliges recruits to chug ammonia and fluoroboric acid, among other corrosive chemicals, in rapid succession while being whipped by the fraternity treasurer.

“I’ve seen seen things in that house you people wouldn’t believe,” said alumni Shane Studebaker, who spent a brief two weeks of his first semester pledging for Sigma Chi before admitting himself for psychiatric review. “Goats, sheep – lots of livestock. It was the livestock that did it for me. You haven’t really experienced college until you’ve gone to third base with a baby calf.”

NRA President Still Sitting In Dark Living Room With Loaded AR-15

FAIRFAX, Virginia –

Local sources have confirmed that NRA president Wayne LaPierre has been sitting up all night in his unlocked Virginia house waiting for an intruder to break in so he can blast him to pieces with his machine gun, News Makeup has learned.

“I have a right to protect my home and property,” said LaPierre in a statement. “Plus I’d love some action. Seriously, somebody please invade my home. ”

The gun-advocate will continue to slowly puff a cigarette in the darkness while aiming his AR-15 assault rifle at the front door, insisting the founding fathers intend for him to cap the living shit out of anyone who tries to make off with his flatscreen television.

“I’m waiting,” added LaPierre, who can be seen through the window rocking in a chair with extra magazines of ammunition draped around his neck. Authorities also believe the NRA president has a six-inch bowie knife duct-taped to his calf.

A vast, intricate system of tripwires and land-mines also surround LaPierre’s sprawling Fairfax residence, including a neon-sign at the end of the driveway that reads “ON VACATION: COME ON IN.” The home boasts five bedrooms, four baths, and a three-car garage that as of press time is still completely open.

“He really loves his guns,” said neighbor Ellen Fishbein, who was fired at multiple times last week for trying to drop off some of LaPierre’s misdelivered mail. “He just sits there and strokes them.”

LaPierre, who was last seen sporting military fatigues and eating sardines from a can with a swiss-army knife, currently serves as the Executive Vice President and CEO of the National Rifle Association. He is celebrated among legions of paranoid white men for his effective lobbying techniques as well as an impressive stockpile of rocket-propelled grenades.

Critics, however, have railed against the LaPierre’s permissive attitude on gun-control, and believe the NRA honcho encourages a right-wing fantasy that has little basis in the day-to-day reality of life.

“He lives in a gated community,” said Moms Against Guns spokeswoman Becky Sullworth. “I don’t know what he thinks is going to happen.”

The CEO last made headlines for pushing a bill through congress which allows registered gun-owners to shoot door-to-door salesman on sight.

2012

Friend Constantly Backpacking Through Europe Finally Dies in Sudden Avalanche, Thank God

OBERHALBSTEIN ALPS, Switzerland

Your Facebook friend who has been relentlessly posting obnoxious pictures of their never-ending backpacking tour through Europe thankfully died in a rare, isolated avalanche near Splügen Pass yesterday, according to Reuters.

The victim, who you shared a few classes with in college and was barely an acquaintance, has been polluting your news feed for years with vivid, scenic photographs of Prague, Madrid, and Munich; among other charming European villages you’ve never been to and probably will never see.

News of the 25-year-olds’ fatality was greeted with unanimous online relief. “I was so sick of reading about which quaint Bavarian hostel this guy was staying in next,” said mutual Facebook friend Tim Swooper. “I mean, what the fuck? I never go on vacation.”

“Drinks with the locals!” reads one particularly nauseating post, which finds your friend overcoming a steep language barrier but nonetheless enjoying himself with working-class Hungarians in Budapest. Similar updates include snapshots of mouth-watering Portuguese caldo verde, stunning sunsets in the South of France, and free-range donkeys roaming the hills of Sicily.

“Just left Crete, sailing through the Meddi” accompanies a photograph of pristine, sapphire-blue water, where you are left to assume he is perched in the crow’s nest of some awesome rustic Greek fishing boat, inhaling culture.

But you will be relieved to know that a dynamite blast in a Swiss mineshaft along the Italian border encouraged a sudden glacial barrage which caught your friend by surprise as he posed for an Instagram photo near Piz Miez. He was killed instantly, thank God.

2012

Tim Duncan Lobbies NBA to Start Playoff Games At More Reasonable Hour

Tim Duncan spoke on behalf of the San Antonio Spurs organization earlier today about their growing frustration with the NBA playoff schedule, which has seen all games start after 8 p.m. Eastern Time – much later than the Spurs’ aged, experienced roster would prefer.

“If it were up to me, we’d start these games at 8 AM,” Duncan said at the press conference, hoping to get the attention of NBA Commissioner David Stern. “We’d all get to the arena by 6 and get ready, then we’d be totally done with the game, the post-game showers, meetings, press conferences and everything by noon. That gives so much more time to run errands, mow the lawn and get other stuff done during the day.”

Duncan added that having to wait until nighttime to start games seems “silly,” and that he has been missing new episodes of NBC’s “Harry’s Law” for months now .

“I’ve always wished I could treat my job like a regular 9-to-5 guy — plus I’ve got experienced guys on the team to back me up,” he said, referring to 30-year-old teammate Tony Parker and 34-year-old Manu Ginobili, both of whom were napping at press time.

Reporters were surprised to hear Duncan lobby for a schedule change due to the Spurs’ amazing success during their playoff run so far. But Duncan insisted the team is always “very tired” and “ready for some shut-eye” by the fourth quarter, and that a early-bird Spurs team would be exceptionally dominant.

2012

African Child Soldiers Abduct Child Doctors

MUBENDE, UGANDA –

A tight-knit brigade of ruthless child soldiers – most between the ages of seven and thirteen – has kidnapped an innocent group of respected child doctors, News Makeup has learned. The doctors work for the Achen Achen & Bembe pediatric group in central Mubende.

The child soldiers allegedly broke through child security guarding the office, according to child lawyers representing the case.

Child intelligence officials have struggled to intercept the child army in the past, as they always managed to get away on their skateboards. This recent abduction only heightens the swarming recklessness that has come to define the African nation run entirely by children.

Families are patients of the little physicians are struggling to cope with the loss of Achen Achen & Bembe, who accepted most insurance plans and charged little to no co-pay. With a patient list of over 3,000 many in the community are now turning to cheap child holistic healers and even child psychics to maintain proper health.

“I am fighting for justice for the families of the disappeared,” said child attorney Salim Kuikara, in a suit much too large for him outside his makeshift office in the rafters of a feed barn. “We demand they be returned, unharmed and with no wedgies.”

NATO is backing a coalition of child peace corps with over $50,000 in play money to combat the rampant rough-housing and hopefully locate the hostages. Child detective working for the Mubende Police Department are also on the move, and recent statement released by top brass contends the faction’s headquarters to be an abandoned tree-house near the end of Aloowis Blvd by the little pond.

“We believe the child soldiers are holding the child doctors hostage in their base,” said Detective Naru Oolo during a commercial break for his favorite show, Dora the Ethnic Cleanser. “ Somebody is going to tell on them.”

Mubende continues to reel. Child-Mayor Akiki Belembo has urged citizens to stay calm and do their homework.

2012

153 Dead in Arizona Car Crash

The dream of a better life in America, or “El Norte,” quickly turned into a nightmare as a Chevrolet Suburban carrying illegal immigrants – mostly from the Mexican border town of Nogales – toppled into a ravine along a winding Yuma highway, killing all 153 passengers.

According to local authorities, a game of soccer was being played in the backseat at around 8:30 a.m. Monday morning, and after a wild shot on goal the driver lost control of the vehicle, free-falling into the adjacent gorge. Medical examiners claim the eighty-nine men, forty-two women, and twenty-two children  died on impact, as the Chevy had only seven seat-belts.

The unfortunate incident highlights the struggle many immigrants face crossing the United States border illegally. A similar accident occurred last month when a Schwinn bicycle with thirty-seven Mexicans on the handlebars collided with a Prius on the Calexico, CA outskirts, killing ten and injuring twenty-seven.

Witnesses commuting to work along the US-95 pulled over after noticing plumes of smoke billowing from the gully. Tempe, AZ mechanic Gary Charleston, 46, told reporters at the scene, “I don’t know how they all fit in that Chevy. I’ve got a wife and three kids and we can barely fit in my Durango.”

Yuma county sheriff D.W. Bixby believes the ’91 suburban was headed for the popular Tucson ghetto “La Casa de Chivas,” or “The Goat House,” a four-bedroom, two-story residence on the city’s south side that houses hundreds of freshly arrived immigrants.

“It’s a fun, relaxing place with good food,” said Sheriff Bixby. “I’ve been there. It makes sense why they were speeding.”

Ignacio Velazquez, a current tenant, lost nineteen of his brothers and sisters in the crash. “I told them to take two trips,” Velazquez told reporters in Spanish.

2012

Pornographic Comedian Dies at 69

LOS ANGELES, CA

Staff at Cedars-Sinai Hospital have confirmed that pornographic film actor James Hildegaard, also known by the stage name “Jimmy Stiffs” passed away at 2:29 AM last night. He was 69 years old.

Hildegaard, the star of more than sixty porno-comedies including classics Tongue Frankenstein and Gagging Up Baby, was rushed from his Brentwood, CA home early Sunday after suffering a stroke brought on my auto-comedic asphyxiation – a term coined by physicians to describe one’s attempt to climax during the punchline of a joke.

Jimmy Stiffs has left an indelible stain on the adult film industry with a hilarious career spanning almost four decades. He is regarded by many as the father of modern porn comedy, or the “porn comic’s comic.”

Raised in nearby Ventura, Hildegaard relocated to the San Fernando Valley in 1962 after high school with the dream of fusing his passion for comedy with his inherent nymphomania. Stiffs struggled to find work at first, but finally broke onto the scene in 1965 with his trademark “Who’s In First?” gang-bang routine.

Close friend and frequent collaborator Herb Shepard told News Makeup outside the hospital, “Jimmy started it all. Every porn comic in America is indebted to him, his influence. Jerry Shots, Laurel & Hard-On,  — those guys had nothing until Jimmy paved the way.”

Shepard and Stiffs co-wrote the 1968 award-winning prostitution farce Some Like It Bought, which features Stiffs in the lead role of a pimp. Due to the success of the film, Shepard and Stiffs soon became a lucrative commodity on the porn circuit, and made a string of motion pictures for 20th Century Pervert including Fuck Soup, I Banged His Girl Friday and the big-budget It’s a Wet, Wet, Wet, Wet World.

He was in every porno theater across America,” said producer Jack Rosenthal. “I remember growing up jerking off to his movies.”

Stiffs’ popularity declined in the 1980s as the public’s taste shifted towards more serious, dominating pictures with emphasis on the female. Stiffs’ jokes and bits were often left on the cutting-room floor, and for a while it seemed as though the world had given up on masturbating and laughing simultaneously.

A slight resurgence in 1994 following the marginal triumph of “Boy, Did I Get A Wrong Hole!  suggested a return to form. But deteriorating health stemming from thirty years of laughing while having sex forced Hildegaard into an early retirement.

He is survived by his wife of twenty-eight years, pornographic singer-songwriter Moan Baez.

2012

Republicans Argue Conception Begins At First Mojito

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Republican members of congress have issued a new referendum on abortion and birth control, asserting the  conception of a child begins at first Mojito.

“When you’re looking into her eyes, and you take a sip of that drink right after the bartender gives it you – that’s when a child is born,” said Virginia representative Eric Cantor (R – 07) in a press conference outside the congressional building.

The resolution clarifies the Republican position on abortion and a woman’s right to choose, stating that “any action taken to prevent a child from being born after that first Mojito – or any similar cocktail – is injustiable abortion”

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, whose Mormon faith prohibits him from drinking alcohol, conceded in a statement, “While I’ve never personally had a Mojito, I know that Tagg was conceived after Ann and I shared this remarkably large Dr. Pepper.”

Political strategists believe the decision is influenced by the seemingly ubiquitous presence of the Tea Party, including the general consensus among Christian right-wingers that Jesus knows you’re going to have a baby the moment your date buys you that first round.

“My girlfriend and I are going to have a pair of Mojitos right now,” said West Virgnina refrigerator repairman Gudger Moore. “And I can tell you we damn well might have a couple of kids in nine months.”

The legislative triumph has created an air of vivacity on capitol hill, with many republican members of congress thoroughly enjoying themselves at local steakhouses and strip-clubs after the grueling, tiresome minutes they spent debating the issue.

“I brought six children into the world last night,” said Texas senator John Cornyn in a statement. “What can you do, it was happy hour.”

2012

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